save me, help me break f r e e (JOSEPH)

[ryland cullen]

the truth is h i d i n g in your eyes
and it's h a n g i n g on your tongue

The room was cold despite the other body in the bed next to her. She lived with her long term yet on and off boyfriend, Joseph London, but she still felt so alone. Ever since she let her last boyfriend in, he destroyed her life. He took the only real good thing in her life away from her, slaughtering him. She recalled that moment in her life over and over again every night, it was always the same. She felt bad for Joseph for having to deal with this, for having to take care of her. But when she wasn't in bed, she was an ice queen, unless she chose to be a loving human being. She hated how her life had turned out, but she was surprised that he even bothered with her now. She was in love with him, the way he smiled at her to try and get her to smile back, his big arms that held her at night, just like tonight. His left arm slung across her hip, as they both slept. He was always warm, always there, and yet whenever they fought, it felt like she was shattering them all over again. She wanted to be with his man, forever, because she trusted him with her heart. But she couldn't get over that night that replayed over and over in her mind at night.

"Donny, please baby, just put the gun down." Ryland pleaded to her ex as he cried, the gun pointed at her head. He waved it around as he contemplated putting it down as she instructed, yet the cold barrel was still pointed at her. Ryland prayed that Damien stayed in bed through all of this, that he wouldn't get up from his bed. She held her arms up to Donny, as if in surrender, hoping that he would come to his senses and let her go.

"Fuck you, damn it! You screwed me off, you took it too far this time, Ry." He shouted, continuing to wave the gun around. She gulped, tears forming in her beautiful green eyes as she continued to try and calm the man down. She didn't noticed the brunette boy walking out from the hallway, staring at the man pointing a gun at his mother. He didn't know what to do, except that he wanted to protect his endangered mother. It all happened so fast as a sob escaped Donny's lips as he shook the gun at Ryland.

"I'm sorry.." He whispered before Damien shot out of the hallway shouting. The gun went off and Ryland screamed at the top of her lungs as the boy hit her, and they both fell to the ground. Ryland scrambled as she pulled the 5 year old into her arms, blood pouring out of his neck as he cried out to her. She started to sob as she held her hand tight on his wound, his blood seeping between her fingers,

"I saved you, Mommy." Damien cried as his tiny hand clutched at a long grouping of her long, wavy brown hair. She sobbed uncontrollably as her ex dropped the gun and fell to his knees before them. She screamed as the boy went limp in her arms, his little body not moving.

"DAMIEN!" Ryland screamed raspy and raw as she touched her son's face, blood smearing on his soft cheek as his vacant blue eyes stared up at her, his little hand falling out of her hair as he left her there, gone forever. "NO, GOD!" Ryland screamed, holding the boy to her, her hands stuck in his brown hair, blood caking their bodies as she rocked his body back and forth. She held his small body before she looked up at the ceiling and let out a heartbreaking scream.

Ryland shot up in bed, sweat beading on her neck and chest, tears flowing free down her pale cheeks as her dull green eyes scanned the bedroom. She hyperventilated as she looked around before she looked to Joseph asleep next to her. She then realized that she had been dreaming, but her dream had been nothing but real. She closed her eyes, her face crumbling into sadness as she sniffled hard as a bout of tears began to take hold. It was still so fresh with her, she even felt like her son was still there. She felt like she could never have children again, and she felt like she was wasting Joseph's time because of it. What if he wanted a family in the future? She didn't know if she could give that to him.

"Oh Damien.." Ryland sobbed as she pulled her knees up to her chest and let the tears fall free from her face. It was getting harder to bear by the day, even though the pain was supposed to lessen. No one get over the loss of child..no one.

word count , a number
lyrics , decode by paramore
tag , joseph london aka luis
notes , she's very broken, it's sad stuff

[joseph london]

It was the middle of the night and Joseph was dead asleep...Even though he was asleep he could tell... well he liked to call her his girlfriend, Ryland was asleep next to him. The feeling of her in his arms every night definitely made it easier to get up in the morning. It was safe to say it would never get old seeing her face when he woke up in the morning, she was beautiful, he loved her there was no denying it. The only thing he wanted was for her to love him back...he knew what she had been through and knew why it was hard for her to trust him but it was all he wanted. It was hard for him not to just tell her to trust him because he definitely wanted too, but he thought she would come around eventually.

His dream...well to be honest he could never remember his dreams and he wasn't sure whether that was good or bad. Then again he was probably so deep in sleep he couldn't even dream. The only thing that would wake him up was if you poured a cold glass of water onto his face, that would do the trick, but there was also one other thing that would do it. That was when he felt it and at this point he knew what it felt like to have someone lean up during the middle of the night. Still, maybe he just imagined the feeling, maybe Ryland just rolled over? Well that theory quickly went out the window when he heard what she said...she said her sons name and began to cry.

Lifting his hands to his eyes he quickly wiped them to wake himself up before sitting up in bed and turning over to face Ryland. He still found it hard to tell her it wasn't her fault, because he never lost a son, of course he always wanted a family but he wasn't going to tell Ryland that. After what she's been through the last thing he wanted to do was put more pressure on her by saying he wanted a family, he loved her and if that meant being with her without a family he would be with her. "You had the dream again?..." he asked her moving some of her hair behind her ear before putting his arm around her shoulder and kissing the side of her head. He hated seeing her like this, but all he could do was comfort her, it was all he could offer in this situation. He wished he could do more but he couldn't bring back the one thing she wanted...her son.

[ryland cullen]

the truth is h i d i n g in your eyes
and it's h a n g i n g on your tongue

Ryland didn't know what was worse. Losing her son that night, or dreaming about it every night since it happened. She knew that she wasn't alone in this, she had a support system, she just chose to ignore it almost entirely. Her identical twin sister, Dylan, was a frickin' lawyer for Christ's Sake, and she even got her ex behind bars for murdering her boy. Yet, the two haven't spoken in a long time, and she felt terribly for losing contact with her. They were supposed to be thicker than blood, they shared the same blood, and yet they never spoke to each other anymore. She missed her sister terribly, everytime something happened, something she wanted to talk about, she'd think of Dylan, but then she would just toss it all away and never think about it again. Ryland was good at bottling things up and never really opening them up again, until she exploded from keeping things in all the time. Then who was usually the one on the receiving end of all the exploding? Her boyfriend, Joseph. She felt terrible for unleashing on the older man, always letting him have it all the time. Yet what surprised her was that he was still here. He was still there, touching her skin, soothing her, she didn't deserve that kind of devotion. She didn't deserve that kind of love.

Ryland sat there on the bed, holding her knees when she felt the weight shifting on the king sized bed she had been sleeping on. She knew that Joseph had awoken, due to her frantic rousing. She looked to him when he touched her shoulder, his lips touching the side of her head in a gentle kiss. Oh, he was so good to her, she felt sick for being with him. She felt horrible, knowing that she never treated him right, always being an evil bitch to him. She sniffled, tears falling on her cheeks before she let her legs spread out onto the bed, as opposed to being pulled tight to her chest. She slowly looked to her boyfriend, her eyes glistening in the low light of the room from the moon. She looked away before she moved closer to him, her face nestling into the crook of his neck, her lips grazing his skin there.

"It hurts to breathe.." She whispered to him, her hair falling across her neck as she let her body situate itself onto his lap, her smooth, soft legs resting on his much longer ones. Joseph was a rather tall man, a protector in a sense. He was perfect in more ways than she could ever express to him, due to the fact that she can barely say I love you to him at all. She rested her right hand, palm down on his bare chest as she closed her eyes slowly. He was warm, loving and she knew that if she could just let her walls down a bit more, she could actually start being happy again.

"I'd be dead without you, Joey." She whimpered, her face crumbling again as she struggled to say I love you again. She wanted to say it so badly, to let him know that she did love him, that she loved him more than anything, except for Damien. She could never love another being like she loved Damien. She knew that if she had more children, that motherly love would return, but she didn't know if it would be as strong. Maybe she was being ridiculous in thinking that, but she knew that it would take some time. She ran her hand down Joseph's chest slowly, her eyes opening as she looked across the room at the far wall, not sure what to say. She wanted to say I love you, but she couldn't, yet again. She didn't understand the road block, but she knew that eventually, she needed to let him know how she really felt in this relationship, or he'd be lost forever. She never wanted to lose him, not because of her involuntariness. She wanted him to be with her forever, maybe even get married and have that family she knew he wanted. She just needed a bit more time, just a bit.

word count , a number
lyrics , decode by paramore
tag , joseph london aka luis
notes , aww she wuvs him -pouty face-

[joseph london]

Joseph knew this wasn't going to be an easy night. Whenever this happened he could barely go back to sleep afterwards because of how worried he got when it came to Ryland. Most of the time he ended up comforting her until she went back to bed and then went over to his computer room and worked on random stuff, sometimes he would even play computer games. With five computer screens going at the same time one of them at least had to have something good on it. The one thing he hated was seeing tears rolling down her beautiful face, and what made it worse was he couldn't do anything. All he could do was wipe her tears away, and you can bet he would do it as long as it took. He loved her more then anything and even though she didn't always show it back he was willing to wait.

That is what someone did when they cared about someone else and he wasn't going to give up on Ryland. With a little more time she would come around...he could feel it inside of him every time he held her, and especially every time he kissed her. Feeling her move closer he held her a little tighter, all he wanted was to protect her and for her to trust him. The only thing he wants from her is her love, and even though they have been together quite some time now, and even sleep in the same bed, he felt like he hadn't completely gotten it from her just yet. Hearing what she said he wasn't quite sure how to respond, he had never felt the pain she is feeling, the pain she had felt...so all he could do was hold her. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it was like to lose a son, let alone the way she did. He couldn't even say everything would be alright because that would be a lie. How do you tell someone it would be alright? You can't...

What she said next did make him a little happier, because what she said let him know she truly did care. Running his hand up and down her back he looked down at her and just watched as she ran her hand up his chest, before picking his head back up again. "I'll always be there for you, no matter what..." he told her kissing the top of her head again. "I love you..."he had said it before but never gotten the words he's wanted to hear in return and truth be told he wasn't expecting them again this time. He just liked telling her how he felt, when the day came when she said it first, or even said it back you can bet he was going to be an extremely happy man. Until that day though, he'll live with just telling her he loved her.

[ryland cullen]

the truth is h i d i n g in your eyes
and it's h a n g i n g on your tongue

In Joseph's arms, Ryland felt safer than she normally felt. In fact, she never felt safe, but with Joseph, she felt safer. She knew how much he cared, how much he wanted her to understand that he loved her. She did understand, she knew all too well that he loved her. The truth was, she loved him too, more than he knew. She just didn't know how to let the words come out, to let him know that he really did matter to her. He mattered deeply, she didn't know what she'd do without him. There was Monte of course, the father of her now deceased son, but what could he do when he was in the same situation as her. Broken on the inside, depressed, and not all there. They couldn't help each other in that state of mind, neither one of them could have taken care of the other. That was the reason their relationship had ended. Damien had been the glue to their relationship, without him, the relationship was doomed. Now she had someone great in her life, someone who wanted to help her. So why wasn't she letting him in? Fear obviously, she didn't want to get hurt, she didn't want to hurt anyone either.

Ryland took in the scent of him as he spoke to her, her face resting against his neck as it vibrated against her lips as he spoke. She then let her eyes open when he said that he loved her. She looked up at him slowly. Here is your chance, you devil woman! Tell him, she thought to herself as she sat there in his lap, his arms around her, his love expressed to her. What to do? Say 'I love you too, ' to him, she didn't know. She pulled away slightly, her eyes staring into his. He was such a great person, a real listener. She felt her chest tightening as she let her fingertips brush against his lips, the full lips that she loved so much. She looked over his face, her fingers brushing across the attractive stubble on his cheek. She looked into those puppy dog eyes of his. Sometimes he would make adorable expressions when he spoke, making her smile at his silliness. He was such a wonderful man, how did she come to deserve someone like him?

"I.." She hesitated at first, knowing that she couldn't not follow through with all of this if she said it. Did she want to lose out of him? Out on the prospects of a healthy relationship with a good man? God that face, she thought as she let her fingertips brush against his skin, touching his gorgeous face. "I love you too, Joey.." She whispered, her eyes welling up again as she stared into those melting eyes. She meant it, despite how frightened she was at this point. She loved him, truly loved him, she was just scared out of her mind at this point. As two tears trembled down her beautiful face, her soft, pink lips claimed his as she pushed everything else away. She knew that everything still wasn't okay, that the problems were still there. But for a moment, Ryland wanted to feel, wanted to know that she was still a human being.

word count , a number
lyrics , decode by paramore
tag , joseph london aka luis
notes , aww she wuvs him -pouty face-

[joseph london]

Joseph still remembered the first time he told Ryland that he loved her, and still remembered what it felt like when she didn't say it back. Of course he was disappointed, sad and a bit depressed, but he couldn't blame her for not saying it then, or the other...well he lost count but he couldn't blame her for not saying it. At this point he really wasn't expecting much from her after saying 'I love you...' he sort of got use to the routine of hearing her say something else or walk away. It was something he just got accustomed too, like kids at school...it was all routine. This time though, he would want nothing more then for her to break the routine...for her to say it back. Hearing her say those three words would make waiting for her to come around well worth it.

Looking down at her though he got the feeling this time would be no different, that she would just give him a kiss and then lay back down, and go to bed. And once she was asleep he'd get up and go to his other room. Still, all of him wanted her to say it back, he wanted to hear those three words from her and know that when she said it, she meant it. The way her hands felt against his face, and the look on her face right now gave him a sudden hope she would say it in return, and you can bet nothing would make him happier. When she hesitated though some of the hope vanished...was she going to say something along the lines of 'I need to get some sleep' or 'I need to go to the bathroom' now? He wasn't going to lie, he was expecting her to say something along those lines and you couldn't really blame him for thinking that way.

What she said was no where near those lines, and he had never been happier to have been wrong. She had finally said it and the look of pure happiness on his face said it all. It was what he had been waiting for, for who knows how long now, and it was definitely worth the wait. When she kissed him he put both of his arms around her and began to kiss her back passionately. Pulling away he looked down at her briefly with a big grin on his face, "you have no idea how much I wanted to hear you say that..." he told her now leaning back in to kiss her. He loved her, and now that she said it back he had never been happier.